Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
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Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.