Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
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How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
You can basically pressure anyone to do something by publicly saying: On the count of three! One, two-
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
“Sheer Arrogance”
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
Being my friend is a walk in the park, but the park is on fire and sometimes the squirrels eat your cookies
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.