Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering

#BatmanvSuperman

Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage

My Husband: Yeah, at some point

Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!

“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔

Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.

Is it because I’m brown??

NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.

[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door

rich people: be like me, invest in stocks

also rich people: no not like that

I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?

him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here

me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news

I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.

Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss

I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.

Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.

Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected

Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”

Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”

The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me

This headline is a thing of beauty

each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it

I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.

I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.

Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006

Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on

Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar

“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”

even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’

My brain when someone says something shitty to me: ok 😔

My brain when I’m trying to fall asleep 3 months later: Know what you could’ve said? bro you are not gonna believe this, it’s perfect. But actually if you don’t like that one, I came up with 17 other options ok ready

Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?

#Caturday

both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight