Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
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‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
At my age I’m worried about tripping and falling, so I wear a helmet. I’m also worried about looking ridiculous, so I carry a skateboard.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
Date: Did you just spit your tooth out?
Me: Oh that’s not mine
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
the devil works hard but the single multivitamin i take after making unhealthy choices for weeks works harder
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
What do you call a lazy crawfish? A slobster.
🤣 I’ve got a million of them.
🤕 Who threw that shoe?
only kind of dinner drama i approve of
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
Meteorologist: It’s going to get even hotter.
Me [on fire]: HOW
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When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.