@BoomBoomBetty

Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.

FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?

Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?

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@HarleyPlays

If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.

@AristotlesNZ

Old Testament: Death, plagues, vengeance

New Testament: Forgiveness, love, wants you to call home

Having a kid really mellowed God out.

@_eric_alexander

I predict that in the year 2050 the only people who will have tramp stamps will be grandmas. Thus they will be referred to as granny stamps.

@jellybnbonanza

I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.

@daemonic3

[taking my son to band practice]

me: kids really make fun of you for this?

son: yeah they think your band sucks

@Cpin42

[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy

@simoncholland

I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.

@spinnellii

birthday cards don’t be coming with checks no more. which is wild because 12 year old me didn’t need that $50 like 31 year old me needs that $50. our system is broken.

@moutheaters

Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies

@DanMentos

*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats