Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.

FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?

Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?

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If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.


Old Testament: Death, plagues, vengeance

New Testament: Forgiveness, love, wants you to call home

Having a kid really mellowed God out.


I predict that in the year 2050 the only people who will have tramp stamps will be grandmas. Thus they will be referred to as granny stamps.


I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.


[taking my son to band practice]

me: kids really make fun of you for this?

son: yeah they think your band sucks


[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy


I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.


birthday cards don’t be coming with checks no more. which is wild because 12 year old me didn’t need that $50 like 31 year old me needs that $50. our system is broken.


Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies


*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats