Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
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1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat