Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
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My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
It has been 3 years since Monday.
me working on my assignments ^-^
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
SpongeBob has such a good life. Make burgers, catch jellyfish, play with friend. I want that. I want that for me. And I would have no problem with disposing of him in order to get it
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
