Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
Norman Bates’ favorite reference book was the enpsychopedia.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
