Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
don’t ask me for pet advice. my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be carried, won’t walk.”
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
Comparing yourself to others
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
this full container of cheese balls just rolled out of somebody’s truck onto the road
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
