Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
Full moons and eclipses are best captured with either a fancy lens or high quality mushrooms.
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
I just found a little piece of waffle in my pocket in the event you’re attracted to mysterious men
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
Oh the world we live in…
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
