Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.

running feels great unless you compare it to not running

THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.

“Wrong house guys.”

ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?

“Yup, happens a lot.”

OKAY COOL, SORRY.

When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.

If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.

Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.

I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.

Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.

Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?

the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do

no one:

my cat: look, i am 56 years old and i used to be homeless so i think i’m entitled to eat just a little plastic,

I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.

She: I like Cats
He:

ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.

When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”

“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”

*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*

OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.

Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.

*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]

My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.

Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.

Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.

[at therapist]

I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible

Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?

cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life

I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”

[at the spelling bee]

moderator: your word is parole

me: can you use it in a sentence?

moderator: depends what you’re in for

Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?

A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge

My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.

If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started

They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’

Mapping the Lickability of the Periodic Table