Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[slashing food truck tires]

friend: wtf are you doing?!

[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!

I had a friend growing up who named his dog “dog”. He recently had a baby and I’m disappointed he didn’t do the same thing. Dog would be such a cool name for a baby.

>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled

“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever

You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread

My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.

Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.

[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax number

Fax:EEphkEekakischchEEek

Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight

I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?

Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?

[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader

The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.

Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?

mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years

“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born

Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.

After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.

I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..

If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.

Fight

so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it

If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office

[guy about to invent bowling]

let’s have some fun, but not too much

4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt

me: same

4yo: *blows whistle again*

Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins

Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.

Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..

Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.

ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you

If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.

Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKING

How Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS

[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over