Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.

Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?

Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.

I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.

Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.

Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️

I’m not a god.

I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.

There’s a difference.

hung out w/ my grandad who has dementia today. He came into the kitchen looking distraught while I was making tea & said “have you seen whats happening in America? It’s awful!”. assumed he’d read some election news but turned out he’d been watching Ghostbusters in the living room

My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.

me: can i get a burger ($5.99) with fries ($1.99) and a soda ($1.49)

cashier: sure that’ll be $25

me: ok

[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*

My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.

*interview for new roommate*

Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.

My husband accused me of not being affectionate, so I kissed the FedEx guy.

Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date

Wrong

We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable

me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]

mortician: sir

*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook

holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV

USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”

My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.

IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.

And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”

My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”

No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.

I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.

They ALWAYS scream at you when it’s raining like it’s your fault😂

I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?

If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”

I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces

This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021

throwin a party tonight

goths $5
furries $5

raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both

I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.

Someone: wanna hear something interesting?

Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO

Me: sure

Anxiety: you brought this on yourself

Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.