Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes

[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*

Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.

Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?

GF: really?

Me: yeah

George Foreman: that’s interesting

her: [during sex] call me names

me: [panicking] optimus prime

Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.

Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.

deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason

[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”

My mom used to get me to ring her phone when she couldn’t find it, and then she’d pick the phone up and be like oh Sarah sorry I missed your call

Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.

Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…

Therapist: How do you feel?

Me: With my hands.

T: Do you deflect a lot?

Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.

Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.

Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily

Me at 10.10 pm: dang it

For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!

Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on

A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.

I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.

All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.

A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.

“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook

Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.

Chicken Widow: BUT WHY

Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.

Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies

It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??

This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.

How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left

Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.

The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.

I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.

Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.

[JOB INTERVIEW]

{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}

“What would you say is your biggest fault?”

San Andreas?