Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..

[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*

“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”

New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?

Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.

New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?

Me: So far? 4 years.

Coming out of the dressing room at a store…

Me: What do think?

Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.

Me:

Husband:

Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐

In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.

If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.

LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem

*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*

[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”

You were the one.

spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe

My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.

Tuesday

To all the people who blocked me and can see my tweets I want to say that making your own chicken, beef, and seafood stock is a rewarding experience. They can be used for more than bases for soups but as a flavor booster in many recipes and can take your cooking to another level

ever thought about centaurs and how the bottom half would start walking immediately after birth but the top part would be baby like and flop around for a while.

Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.

If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified

#ThisMakesMeLaugh

karate teacher: shatter that board

me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched

teacher: not like that

board: *crying* yeah not like that

Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.

When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.

Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?

Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed

Lion eating me: sorry

You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.

I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot

The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.

To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work