Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

😅🤣😂

Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.

I was with someone that did mushrooms yesterday that told me they could, like, *hear* sounds and I didn’t have the heart to tell them that’s how I receive sounds too

Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on

Me: That tree is impeckable

“Don’t you mean impeccable?”

*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*

Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?

When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.

Fitbit: Time for a walk

Me: *walks to snack machine

yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days

if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm

Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try

Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.

Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them

Customer: can you help me?

Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?

9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework

I wonder if new batteries in my milk frother feels to my coffee and creamer what a fully charged vibra… you know what, never mind.

[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]

If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.

Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?

Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]

WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT

So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.

outlook just asked me if i’m “enjoying” microsoft outlook. as if it is not the Torment Portal

Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.

science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes

kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?

Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.

My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.

WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?

ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling

Americans can choose from over 1,000 breakfast cereals but only two presidential candidates?

A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”

IRL

I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.

i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff