Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hub: When was your first kiss

Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks

Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent

Me: I hate you

Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.

Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.

The French word for sex is croissant.

“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.

How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?

Friends: Come have a drink with us!

Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.

Friends: C’mon, just one!

Me: Okay, maybe just one…

[ 11 drinks later ]

Me:

My wedding will be open casket.

Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?

Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on

Painting safety tip :

When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.

It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.

[drive thru window]

[apologize to homeowners]

Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.

I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady

Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room

Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside

*45 minutes later*

She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead

Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?

Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE

Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.

BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”

BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”

Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”

HER: Boxers or briefs?

ME: Depends

HER: Really? But you look so young.

*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”

– me every time I watch Toy Story 3

Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.

well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads

What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.

Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout

For 23 years, I’ve been taking the minutes for the monthly regional managers meeting. Nobody has ever asked to view them before, so since going wfh I’ve been using the meetings to do my online food shop instead. I’ve just been asked for the minutes from our January meeting.

Olympic gymnast: does the most amazing thing I have ever seen in my entire life.

Announcer: Oh dear, that will be a point deduction.

i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀