Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”

Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.

I onder hich one.

Me: I’ll never be like my parents

Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!

I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..

H- you’d better get to a doctor

Me: It hasn’t even been a full day

H: what? It’s been two days

Me: how do you figure?

H: today and yesterday

Me:

The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will

*stops next to punks at red light*

*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*

*light turns green, slowly accelerates*

Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.

People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.

Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u

[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi

[Dentist chair]

Him: Lie back and open wide

Me: At least buy me dinner first

Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this

Me: *typing* Too late

My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x

[First day as a beaver]

Me: Dam.

Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas

Stages of beard length:
1.) sexy stubble
2.) sea captain
3.) prisoner of war
4.) homeless person
5.) wizard

You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.

[War Museum]

Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?

Me: Actually I said Doritos

Cop: *walks away

Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH

My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.

1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”

2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”

Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.

Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*

Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.

Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?

Me: Kids?

This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would

Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you

If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.

Attention: will the owner of a small blue planet with tectonic plates please attend to your vehicle. It is overheating.

Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.

I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her

sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone

> takes cat to the vet
> vet is also a cat