Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
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Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
emergency phone
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?