Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
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sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
He refuses to bathe without the Melon
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
What is the HOA going to do about the noisy kids who keep coming in my house and demanding dinner and calling me mom
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
This is Cassie. She was chasing waves when they started chasing her back. Had to throw it in reverse real quick. 13/10
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
LinkedIn: where you desperately hope that one idiot you had a drink with six years ago can somehow help get you a job.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.