Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
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This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
just spent a solid 6 seconds concerned about the sounds my stomach was making before realizing it was a motorcycle outside
No matter how many times I read this, it always makes me happy.
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
My husband can remember the college a football player went to, what year he was drafted, the number he was picked in the draft, and his height, but can’t remember a certain neighbor’s name no matter how many times I tell him it.
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
They should develop AI that can translate bird calls.
Call it ChatCheepyT
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
My nephew had an upset stomach for a few days. Once he felt better, he said that when he grew up he would invent a medication that would make diarrhea instantly gone and he’d call it gone-a-rhea and we grownups were like nahhh buddy that name is kinda already taken.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT