Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Think I pulled my liver

“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”

“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”

My dog:

walking out of the bob dylan movie and wondering why I didn’t know any of the songs or why he was a monkey

ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard

HER: what mask

ME: oh

My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.

Sign at work today

… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that

I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.

[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin

me: I’d like one mcdouble please

employee: sir, this is a Burger King

me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty

The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.

Me, when Prime Video asks me to pay an extra $2.99 to remove ads.

One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.

WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim

WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job

i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers

My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….

When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.

To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.

Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.

🙀

Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood

Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.

My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.

Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.

*whispers* forlorn corn.

Facebook marketplace is a different world

In the Target toy aisles-

“No, please put that back”

“I said we aren’t buying anything today”

“You already have dozens of Nerf guns at home!”

– and that’s just me to my husband

Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself

I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love

Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”

THE DOG😭😭💀