Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?

Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snack

Snacks are ALWAYS the answer

so u have kids?

yes a bunch of them

that’s great, any hobbies?

I don’t understand the question

Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.

So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.

I might start telling people I’m 10 years older than I actually am just so they can tell me how great I look for my age.

Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.

I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.

Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.

I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.

I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”

It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.

Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.

Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?

Delighted to have won the freight contract to help Ukrai… never mind.

I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.

The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.

A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.

Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.

I’ll never reveal my secrets.

Alcohol: Lol.

ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm

My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.

If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.

My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.

Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper

Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience

Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels

*At demonstration

*grabs megaphone – stands on car

‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’

yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road

Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.

Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman

Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”

Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars