Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.

North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.

This is Narla. She was not allowed to go to the park. And now you are not allowed on the couch. 13/10

“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”

one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar

How to impress your ex:

1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex

Hitting it from behind is just how I drive

ruining the Olympics for my fiancée by, every time they mention Paris, saying, “that’s where ratatouille lived”

After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.

[Being chased by killer]

Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*

Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.

Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.

coming home late…

Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?

Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.

I feel it

My teen is asking for noise-cancelling headphones like I’m going to give him the gift of ignoring me better

“Unprecedented times” at this point would be if something nice happened like we all got a coupon for a free sandwich

[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT

Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*

Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.

*returns to the present to find a world without children*

Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.

HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.

Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?

RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much

*turns off life support*

*waits*

*turns it back on*

Me: How’s she now?

Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?

Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.

A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having

I love my sister and even when I struggled as a teenage lesbian shes been a wonderful ally but how do I tell her that whenever we’re watching something and an unexpected gay scene happens she doesn’t have to turn to me and stare at me like this 😊

Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good

is this store having a stroke wtf

ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.

Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol