me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
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[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
Why I divorced her.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
Do you think people who play for the philharmonic say “today I woke up and chose violins” because if they don’t they totally should
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
My god she’s good.
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.