me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
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Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
A particularly friendly email response from me could mean either:
a) I am happily responding to you.
b) I’ve never wanted to kill someone more but I want you to do the thing that I’ve asked.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
British people be like I’m Bri ish
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be