Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Well, this certainly took a turn

I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.

If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies

I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.

Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses

Your Czech is in the mail.

-Mail order brides

You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is

sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number

When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.

Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”

We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining

*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*

My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.

Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again

If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.

Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..

Therapist: is this true?

Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]

If you’re thinking of having kids, last night I told my 5 year old what I made for dinner and he said “Ew, gross,” then three minutes later I caught him eating a booger.

Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know

I think I might have a shower.

*checks*

Yes, I have a shower.

Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*

Friend: When I said pet with the grain

Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.

[Later]

Friend: Where’d you guys meet?

Me: Family reunion

My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday

This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”

Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door

I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”

Bros before Ohioes

[police lineup]

Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”

Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”

passed a guy walking down the street video chatting someone but here’s a fun twist: he was doing it on a laptop

I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.

The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs