Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?

You don’t even know

CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1

ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.

*awkward silence

GOD: We NEVER use that word here

My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.

It made walls invisible, too.

Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money

ME: I’ve been depressed lately

DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability

ME: what

DOCTOR: what

YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.

sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad

I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk

Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..

Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?

If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.

“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”

I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.

Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”

Me: “That’s kind of the point.”

When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID

A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”

And now…a ‘joke’.

“WAITER! I’d like to complain about my lion pie”

“What seems to be the problem, madam?”

“It’s ROAR in the middle”

“Apologies, madam. I shall bring you the menu so you can choose an alternative MANE course”

*coughs*

My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:

A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or

If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go

[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!

A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding

Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”

when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.

ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no

I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.

I should be back in about eight days.

You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.

Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.

With your tongue.