Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.

Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7

My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.

I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…

Mine in this week’s New Yorker

Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!

Cat: I just want to be friends.

“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”

– Large intestines

“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named

bat life

Cult pretty laid back about my leaving.

Priest: tell me your confessions

Me: I said the f word twice this week

Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else

One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’

– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…

It’s cool, I don’t know why I’m still talking either.

Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.

Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…

my haters are mad they’ll never catch me slippin because of my grippy socks

Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.

Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh

You’re not my real can

No babe, they’re not short jorts, they’re junderwear.

Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.

Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.

guy: you wanna take this outside?

me: yeah, let’s do this

[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]

coworker: you are so lucky that you don’t have kids

me: that’s not luck that’s on purpose

ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for

MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life

ME: Oh you will son, trust me

{20 years later…}

MY GRANDSON: Dad?

MY SON: Yes?

MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?

Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you

To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.

“you look easy to draw”

If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.

GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!

SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.

GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.

MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.