Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh

kidnapper: we have your son

dad: his fault for staying out all night

kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom

dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been

kidnapper: he was

dad: on his phone probably

kidnapper: fast asleep

dad: i guarantee you he was faking it

cats when you pet them too long:

That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.

The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block

I know a sign from God when I see one

Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.

I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.

“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”

Not everyone thinks Cleopatra is beautiful…

But that’s how Julius Caesar.

These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.

Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.

Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.

The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.

[first day as a waiter]

me: do you have any questions

customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared

me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices

temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now

a dragon: i see

Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’

Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph

I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.

If only.

The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.

Strangers have the best candy.

[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?

After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.

A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years

Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.

Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy

But should I sneeze on him just for fun?

The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.

Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.

But it’s more likely a sociopath.

~Inspirational

One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.

Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.

Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell

One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.

*In church

9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…

Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep

9: oh