Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.

A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.

My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!

My gf 2nd month: listen

Someone came up to me today, holding a beer, and claimed to be the best ventriloquist in the world. But I think it was the drink talking.

Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.

I’m having an out of money experience.

My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream

Review of the Solar System

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”

“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”

TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.

Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.

How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.

Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”

I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.

“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake

Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms

WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume

Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*

Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches

On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.

calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing

It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others

I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation

To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.

Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻

[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”

Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..

it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.

If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.

My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.

“Which one is you?”

– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.

Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016