ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
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Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
What happened to the other hiker??!
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
My what?
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
Bloody internet 😳
