Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins

Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!

Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.

What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.

“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds

People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?

Friends are people you don’t need to explain your jokes to, family are people you apologise to for your jokes.

My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.

Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up

Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.

Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.

My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”

Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.

If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper

Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.

Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?

It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.

Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves

*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*

[phone buzzes: text from wife]

*slowly puts toilet seat down*

Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.

Husband: But you just woke up.

Me: Exactly.

I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.

Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.

My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”

me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*

carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood

[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH

*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”

If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.

-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already

Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.

Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed