Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs

Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist

Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …

Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS

Emergency training complete

I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.

Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”

When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection

I’m too Shreksy for my shirt

*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking

Me: *walking around, middle finger raised*

Boss: that is NOT a costume..

Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.

I miss my kids the most when they go to bed and the mosquitoes go after me because they have no other options.

The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs

me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees

The key to a clean house is dim lighting.

“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder

Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!

i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert

Loan Officer: And the reason for the loan?

Me: I need printer ink.

What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.

self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings

Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.

Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.

Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….

This lunch pairs well with watching 9 minutes of a tv show

After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.

All that money and nothing to chauffer it.

Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”

Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”

Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.

my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems

Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.

“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”

*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!

Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.

My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.

My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.