Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.

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Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer

Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?


When a coworker says “This is all Greek to me”, I always assume they want me to punch them right in their throatopolis.


My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…


DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog


Inventor of beer: This will change the world.

Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]


Overheard this guy say “I can skin a deer in 20 min, but I still can’t hula hoop.” Not sure why he thinks those skills would be transferable


*smudges lipstick*

*smears eyeliner*

*gets mascara on earlobe*

*never tries make-up sex again*