@UnFitz

Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.

You Might Also Like

@ThugRaccoons

Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer

Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?

@dafloydsta

When a coworker says “This is all Greek to me”, I always assume they want me to punch them right in their throatopolis.

@LoveNLunchmeat

My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…

@rad_milk

DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog

@HomeWithPeanut

Inventor of beer: This will change the world.

Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]

@ChrisIsJoking

Overheard this guy say “I can skin a deer in 20 min, but I still can’t hula hoop.” Not sure why he thinks those skills would be transferable

@realHamOnWry

*smudges lipstick*

*smears eyeliner*

*gets mascara on earlobe*

*never tries make-up sex again*