Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: “When will you be home?”

Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”

All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.

They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.

People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.

[Walmart customer service]

ME: i want to talk to the manager.

MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?

ME: no, i just want to talk.

Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.

[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*

what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge

Just caught a glimpse of myself in a shop window and realised I’ve got my trousers on upside down 🤦🏻‍♂️

*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube

Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.

I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.

self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings

elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races

What in the hipster hell is going on here

I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”

are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.

Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.

and now we wait

If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’

I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.

satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.

dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.

satan:…

dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.

satan:…

dad: im going to super hell arent i.

satan: youre going to super hell.

That new corduroy pillow is really making headlines

me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia

The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.

My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.

This meeting could have been a cake

Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all

Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.

I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.

-Me, working from home. Alone.

I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.

Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”

Nailed it.