Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall

[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire

How to woo a woman

Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]

Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]

What was your favorite part of school today?

1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!

2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!

CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.

1st marriage: Love, naivety.

2nd marriage: Health insurance.

If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!

I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.

I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best

I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey

What even happened today?

I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.

Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY

Me: You *just* ate

Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT

St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.

Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.

My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.

My husband: Get used to it kid.

Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.

I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.

Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.

She’s gotten sick of pizza.

[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?

If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.

I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.

Them: Can I ask you a personal question?

Me: *bursts into flames*

Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots

Him: You don’t have Russian roots

Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*

Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.

Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.

When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?

They also CAN sing✌️