Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.

{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?

Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!

Penny: Please put me down

Just saw a sign in a car saying “Baby On Board”

That’s no way to run a business, is it?

Presumably it’s a non-executive role.

My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.

So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.

Then we had a duet and my point was missed.

The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.

No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.

did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.

NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!

ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god

Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”

She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.

Me: “When’s your birthday”
Him: “here you go with that zodiac sign stuff”

Actually I just wanna check the court websites

[arrives in heaven]

how’d you die?

me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire

Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.

petition to add fitted sheet folding to the olympics.

I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.

I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.

Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas

I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby

I’ve got to start taking better care of myself. Tomorrow I’ll walk to the liquor store.

ME: and the hell, is it fresh?

2025: oh yes, the freshest

ME: wonderful, and is that my…

2025: your handbasket, yes

Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations

Your move Martha Stewart

[scrabble]

BATMAN: pass

SUPERMAN: again?

BATMAN: can’t spell anything

SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT

If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.

Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs

“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*

When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.

I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.

[crime scene]

*detective snaps pics of murder victim*

Corpse: delete it

Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.