Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.

I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.

There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.

Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.

What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?

You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!

Canadian Oneupmanship

I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”

I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.

Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.

Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*

Her: that’s it. I’m leaving

Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?

A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin

Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”

She asked “Which one?”

Me “William, HELLO!”

I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat

My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?

Me: The what?

Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?

*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*

Me: Practice.

Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth

Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?

Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.

My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.

Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.

White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.

Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.

If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.

“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War

Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,

2014: maybe 2015 will be better

2015: maybe 2016 will be better

2016: omg, wtf is happening?

2017: is this a bad dream?

2018: no seriously, WTF?!

2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE

[sitting in van]

Robber 1: Ready?

Robber 2: Let’s do this!

Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?

“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”

My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.

Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake

me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt

bf: ur what

me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok

bf: the what

me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—

bf: wh—

me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy

It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.