Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.

Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.

My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?

“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.

Stuck behind a student driver at a 4-way stop, tell my family I’ll return one day

Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.

Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.

Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?

If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.

Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my report

What I imagine it’d be like if I had a job

Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.

My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.

[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF

Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids

I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…

Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.

McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?

Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?

McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again

Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.

If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief

BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom

ME: uh yes, actually, I have

BULLY: Damn

ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone

Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?

Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?

і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches

Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.

1980s : average parent ; 4 kids

2016: average kid ; 4 parents

How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic

Accidentally bought a pound of unsalted butter so, if I’m your Secret Santa, well…

RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair

JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this

Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.