Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.

“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.

Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.

The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?

If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks

My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.

Our shared calendar.

At least he already knows not to expect much.

“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs

What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.

Other people were raised to kiss the chef if they found a bay leaf in their food too, right? Why is this restaurant asking me to leave

I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.

Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs

hair stylist: *visibly pales

[Kitchen]

*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*

ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}

The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.

People clown on Sun Tzu for giving really basic and obvious advice but keep in mind that emperors and nobles at the time were drinking mercury to become immortal. I think he knew his audience.

Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.

The glockness monster

Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees

Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.

Banana: 105 calories.

Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.

You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.

My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420

My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…

Teamwork makes the dreamwork

The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.

[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf

Wife: what are you watching?

Me: See II

Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?

Me: not till it’s over

My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”

I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.

I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice

Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??

Batman: no, not really-

Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE

FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”