Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i really like this french girl on tiktok the only thing she does is post these videos of her trying to pronounce english words and idk she is just such a diva i love her

Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?

Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?

Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.

Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively

Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company

I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk

watching the vp debate, in any election year, is time you will never get back. time you could be using to learn a cool new skill. you could learn how to make pottery. you could make weird little bowls and shit

Lmao

Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism

They say if you see something, say something. Of course they’ll tell you to go be crazy somewhere else, but still.

Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.

fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”

Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that

Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶

Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.

PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.

Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair

name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture

The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.

No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.

Engagement photo shoots are so funny as a concept. Like girl, we believed you

me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*

son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March

my body is a machine that turns traumatic experiences into 10 likes on twitter

To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.

[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate

Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist

secret recipe

I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.

no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball

So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.

It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.