Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.

The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven

The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.

Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.

3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.

Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob

If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.

Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.

Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.

“How do you find anything in here?!”

-my mugger, giving my purse back

People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.

judge: *banging gavel* guilty

me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?

judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder

me: i have an imaginary gf

therapist: u can do better than that

me: i know, it’s just–

therapist: i was talking to her

One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.

JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR

Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous

Dad: sure kiddo

I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?

I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.

She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.

I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.

Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.

I think about this a lot.

If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.

There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above

In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s

Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes

Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.

Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows

My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week

A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened

I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate

You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil

To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news