Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you spend so long trying to think of a name for your cat only to end up calling them “for god’s sake” and “please stop”

I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.

What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?

I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.

All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…

(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all

[first time golfing]

caddy: which club would you like sir

me: do you have turkey

[Space]

No-one: I can hear screaming

Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.

“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.

The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.

[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?

when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?

canadian assassins are called killergrams

Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.

“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”

LG: Plastic?

Samsung: Metal?

iPhone 8: What about Glass?

Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.

Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards

liiiiiiiiike

kid: *sniffle*

me: need a tissue?

kid: no

kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*

I hope I’m not overthinking this.

(six days later)

Nah I’m probably not.

Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.

Me: Will it make my dinner?

D: No but-

M: Good talk.

*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*

Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”

There’s not gonna be a civil war. None of us can afford to take that much time off work

“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion

I’m a champion of grammar;

A grampion, if you will.

Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet

Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage

My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.