Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*

This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.

♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫

All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.

Someone: what have you been up to?

Me: thanks, you too.

Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor

Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?

Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course

MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.

Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake

A group of owls is called a flight of stares.

I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*

*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up

Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out

Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.

I see you like sex.

*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.

BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool

ME *remembering I’m me* oh no

My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.

I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.

I can’t deal with men any longer

Phone

Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.

Person: But if you could just—

Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me

if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up

Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?

Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me

Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.

I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.

Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all

Him: plays dead

Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.

Fun times

Leo: They say the best revenge is living well, when in fact the best revenge is living IN a well and poisoning your enemy’s water supply with your foul presence.

My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”

When I take a minute to focus on my own life.

starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.

Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.