me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
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you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
Happy weekend !
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
Friend: any plans for the fall?
Me: do you meant autumn or civilization?
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun