Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya

Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?

Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us

“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.

[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…

I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”

What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?

ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”

Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!

I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.

don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo

Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.

Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die

Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.

Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/

I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.

Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.

Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*

My organs: We strike at dawn.

Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.

Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom

Snape: omg same

If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together

That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.

On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.

[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.

“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”

(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)

I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!

I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.

*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*

someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”

omg leave her alone

[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”

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A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.

On the way to school.

[Dinner at Arby’s]

Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday

Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home

Me: Ahh memories