me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
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There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
that lip filler tho
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.