Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors

I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.

*literally any business fails*

journalist: ahh yes, the millennials

“I’m so over you.”

– A blanket.

Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”

Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.

When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.

Couple goals

Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.

Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.

the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no

Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.

8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”

– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me

“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”

-Poetic Justice

Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”

when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late

[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish

Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?

If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.

sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy

MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT

Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?

Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.

“What are you doing tonight?”

Gonna smoke some Herb.

“Nice.”

-guys who work in a crematorium

I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.

omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc

Me: Do you want some more toast?

3yo: Yes

Me: Pardon?

3yo: Yes

Me: Yes, what?

3yo: ……

Me: What’s the magic word?

3yo: Abracadabra

Me: the floor is lava

Pompeii: everything is lava

Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol

All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child

My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.