Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(Electricians.)

I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see

[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha

Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.

“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend

Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.

Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.

Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.

[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care

alien: we have come to destroy all humanity

me: hell yeah

alien: what? I said we have co-

me: hurry up

My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.

People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.

ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.

Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.

The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.

all the leaves are brown

and this guy is greg

Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.

I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence

[skating together on a frozen pond]

Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah

Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao

*Courtroom erupts in laughter*

Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect

[shopping]

May I help you find something?

“Where are the giants?“

What?

“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“

In current news:

US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP

Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.

The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.

You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.

All my scars & bruises tell a story.

The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.

cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula

My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.

Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.

Wife: I’m leaving you

Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?

Wife:

Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want