Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg

Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!

Her: so

Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.

Me: I’d like the French dip

Waiter: Au jus?

Me: No, Catholic

If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.

*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?

My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen

– Tom Hanks, probably

You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.

I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”

[Dinosaur Rap Battle]

We’re gonna win this for sure!

“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”

WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen

i thought i was gonna watch the craziest cooking show in history

A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.

ME: *tells joke*

WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school

[later]

ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th

im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying

ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight

PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*

my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks

*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”

“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”

~All accountants

As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship

I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”

Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker

Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.

No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.

I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.

if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners

I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.

A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution

maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground

“Ninja please” -Japanese people

*chugging beers at 11am*

Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!

Me: That’s today?

It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.