Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
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[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
Dear Lord..
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
Sometimes when I’m looking up restaurant reviews and comparing menus I think to myself… “that light was green right?”
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
Fellas, be sure to never ask a lady any questions on a date. This makes them feel interrogated. Strong declarative statements only
Education is vital
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Breaking news:
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*