Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?

Clerk: Trapper Keeper?

Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.

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ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery


Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO


[puts scarf on snowman]
Girl: to keep u warm
Snowman: I am made of snow.
G: omg you’re alive!
S: ok but lets get past that. are you stupid


I don’t think my family will ever accept me.

First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”


I just want someone who’s willing to barge into my funeral dressed in a hazmat suit screaming, “WE GOT THE AUTOPSY RESULTS BACK! YOU’VE ALL BEEN EXPOSED TO…” then dramatically drop dead while all the doors slam shut.


Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?


I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.


My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.


I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.


Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*