Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
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A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.