Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*

STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.

ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.

This cashier is a moron

-Me at self checkout

*drinks Grey Goose

*adds bird fanatic to the resume

When your teen is already bigger than you are…

I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…

[end of a job interview]

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?

Him:

Me:

Him: Which half?

I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.

“so what brings you to therapy today?”

12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?

Me: Because I love you.

If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?

All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.

Me: I’m not delusional.

Squirrel: There she goes again.

I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think

chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.

me: oh cool thanks man.

chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.

me:

chipotle guy: so i can charge you.

me:

chipotle guy: for the guac.

I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.

HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk

I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.

Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you

Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way

Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery

Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?

When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.

I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up

Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.

One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.

Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”

Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…

My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪

Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?

They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.

I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”