Me: hi đ
Woman at bar: itâs loud in here, Iâm sorry, did you just say âcolon closed parenthesesâ ???
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The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
I used to tell a joke about Lotâs wife. Looking back, it wasnât a great idea.
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & canât sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
If youâve ever wanted to change up your name, nowâs the time. New name, add a name, doesnât matter. When you go back to work, itâll be all Yeah, Tom, Iâm pretty sure my last nameâs always been Twizzlers.
Yes officer, Iâd like to file a restraining order against my dentistâs appointment reminder system.
Boss: weâre going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
My license has hair and eye color listed as âBROâ and Iâm like⌠đ I know right.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually itâs stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: Itâs the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Foâ Shizzle.
If our children donât learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
gym bro: âdude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzelâs tangled adventure in between sets?â
me:
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesnât want to dance anymore.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isnât as flammable as the last one- please?
For this Halloween Iâve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those whoâve angered me.
What do people who ask, âdo you think I am an idiot?â and get mad when we say âyesâ, want from us?
[googles âcamaflage spidersâ]
-no results-
phew.
waitâŚ
[googles âcamouflage spidersâ]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh thereâs more?
âSo how did you get into Classical Music?â
Me:
Dead sexy!!
Intelligence is the new cleavage
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?