Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka

Interviewer: Why do you want this job?

Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food

Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”

I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.

Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.

Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN

My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.

Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you

Dung beetle: what’s the good news

Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans

Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?

Evolution: well

me: I was mugged by a snake

cop: was he armed?

me: *long pause* no

*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?

me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools

You know what they say,

so I won’t tell you.

Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?

Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?

Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station

Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.

All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.

I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!

Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.

back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts

Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.

Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.

At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”

My therapist:

just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood

me *swallowing pride*

baby lion: holy shit

We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’

*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*

Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.

I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!

for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch

If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.

Me: I wish my toilet was sentient

Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three