Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife

A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.

You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?

Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”

Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..

4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!

my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…

Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.

Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:

Asian gangs, also known as study groups..

Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.

Murderer:

One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators

It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.

I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…

and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”

me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!

me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!

Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’

Making friends was so much easier as a kid.

5: This is the smallest finger I have.

Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!

Both: (giggle)

Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.

I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.

Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?

[police lineup]

Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”

Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”

M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?

Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.

M: *mumbles* works every time

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.

Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.

The only reason I insist on returning to the office is because my cat needs a break from me staring at him all day.

this makes me so uncomfortable

Me: *driving*

My mom at every turn:

sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best

They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…

*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*