Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
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ME: It’s about the journey, not the destination, Sharon
HER: You don’t know how to steer this hovercraft do you?
ME: I do not.
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about