Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”

if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.

Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!

Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.

friend: our baby was a surprise

me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how

TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*

*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*

If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.

Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate

Friend: Hey check out this cool song

Me: Haha cool maybe

Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?

Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.

Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.

Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.

Hello 911, something is wrong with my teenager and he won’t tell me what it is

[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?

What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.

Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?

my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush

Husband: so are we self isolating now?

Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!

Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.

-my cat.

I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.

Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic

Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code

Cop: what

Me: what

An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.

My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples

All the tiny apples:

Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.

FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car

[hours later after date]

HER: It’s been 18 miles

ME: I insist

HER: But you drove both of us

you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.

Spices were first brought to Western Europe in the Middle Ages. Some of them are still at the back of my cupboard

Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.

A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.

If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.

My daughter is so critical…

“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”