Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:

“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”

Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably

If you bring your fancy peanut butter to the Home Depot paint department they have to stir it for you

Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.

Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*

While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.

They grow up so fast.

[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money

Someone once threw some herbs in my eyes. It didn’t blind me but I’m now parsley sighted.

You heard.

Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.

Stacy: Come over!

Me: Okay!

Stacy: My mom isn’t home.

Me: Nevermind.

[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train

Friend: can I borrow £20?

Me: No.

*slides me £20

Friend: How about now?

Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.

~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~

Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.

Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.

me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this

[Ninja Dojo]

Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?

Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.

If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.

If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.

“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”

Telling everyone I’m premed…

(short for premeditating their murder)

Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.

You are welcome.

Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”

How loud can you talk?

-Alcohol

the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain

NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.

*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3

Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and death

Me: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.

Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.

Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.

Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal