Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!

*opens bag of chips*

“Don’t forget Romans and countrymen!”

I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby

Me: What are you doing?!

5-year-old: Hugging my sister.

Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.

5:

Me:

5: The good ones do.

Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever

Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*

Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*

Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?

Ffs 🤦‍♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again

Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.

Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about

If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.

I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints

[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?

When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.

I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”

[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important

me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside

my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them

Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa

If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.

Okay so this is wild. I’m using this ticket machine in Japan and it malfunctions and doesn’t give me my change.

Suddenly, a panel in the wall opens in the wall and a guy appears and tells me to hold on and then gives me my change.

Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?

Lemming: Just trust me, ok?

lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down

ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.

CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.

ME: I will take 4 parrots.

Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?

On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.

What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?

Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.

This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.

To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia

“work hard so your future self can live a good life”

pfft, what has he ever done for me?