me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
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Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
Match dot com, but for socks.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
Saw your ex at the shops
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
extremely cute girl at chic fil a gave me 4 free food vouchers bc i “seemed cool” then told me she was off in 15 minutes and i just said “hell yea” and left
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.