Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.

GF: that spoon is still dirty

ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher

GF: I can see the mayo on it

ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now

I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.

What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear

When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.

Billy Joel: We didn’t start the fire…
Smoky the Bear: No. Of course not. Nobody ever does. *rolls eyes*

My kids are watching Babe and my oldest asked “What happened to his mother” and I just slowly looked at the hotdog on his plate

I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to watch their kids

Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.

I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.

I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.

Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok

[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf

While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.

When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.

I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.

Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.

Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you

6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”

Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”

6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”

I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.

My wife working in our garden: How does it look?

Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.

Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…

Covid like

Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids

What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:

1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake

No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.

Vampire: I can bite you…

Me: Sweet!

Vampire: … and give you eternal life!

Me: Stop threatening me!

ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink

WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it

“Check engine”

Yep, it’s still there.

If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van

My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.

Me: hi 🙂

Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???