Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.

*Someone messages me*

I hope your well

And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?

HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?

If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?

She is very cute, has great energy! 😂

Oh the world we live in…

*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd

I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.

Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.

I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.

Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.

I can’t find my toddler.

I can’t find the duct tape.

I’ve got a bad feeling about this.

fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea

Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:

-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma

As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell

When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.

[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]

First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.

[Talking Heads GPS]

YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.

16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.

Facebook-

You: Going to a concert tonight!

Friend: Sweet, what concert?

Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO

I wish this was real life…

as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?

My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭

Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?

Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?

[first day working for IKEA]

Customer: one nightstand please

Me: sorry, I’m married

Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?

Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.

I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born

Tampons should yell “OH YEAH” in the Kool Aid man’s voice when they’re full

The more things change, the more they stay the same.

*looks at calendar*

*looks at stomach*

*looks at calendar*

Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.