Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
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Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
This is I, Robot all over again
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
I have a new favorite meme page
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
🙂🙃🥹
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
In 1987, an American weapons manufacturing employee joked to his boss that he had sold secrets to the Daleks. The boss reported the employee and the matter reached the FBI, where the investigation stopped after someone explained who the Daleks were.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free