My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
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When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.