[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
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Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Just teach them what you know.
“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
GROUND CONTROL: *throws headset* I lost him, sir
*my voice cuts in on radio*
Hello?..Sorry I was drafting a tweet..How do I fly the plane
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
[day 1 of covid homeschooling]
me: alright, it says we have to do some-
8yo: *bursts into tears*
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.