Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
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Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on