@ch000ch

Me: hi

Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking

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@Skoog

[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]

me: [reaching under couch] shit

murderer: let me try i have longer arms

me: you do not

murderer: do too. stand up

[we measure arm length]

me: wow

murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan

@ThugRaccoons

Me: I’m gonna go work on your car

Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t

@Marlebean

Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.

“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”

@OakHill_

Cabin 1: *coughs

Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?

Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.

@Mr_Kapowski

GROUND CONTROL: *throws headset* I lost him, sir

*my voice cuts in on radio*

Hello?..Sorry I was drafting a tweet..How do I fly the plane

@KalvinMacleod

ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel

MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*

@CorkyCrash

I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.

@IndecisiveJones

[day 1 of covid homeschooling]

me: alright, it says we have to do some-

8yo: *bursts into tears*

@MrGeorgeWallace

Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.