Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.

6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?

Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.

In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me

my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it

“I don’t see color.”

-dogs

If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’

There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.

me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?

5:

me:

5: we say thank you

Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.

3yo: I have counted my shoes. One, two.
Me: That’s right. For your two feet.
3yo: 😠 I want to have three feet.
Me: Buddy. Nobody has three feet.
3yo: YES THEY DO
Me: Where have you ever seen someone with three feet?
3yo, who has never been out of the country: IN 😤 ENGLAND 😤

The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.

ME: Is there a ghost in here?

{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}

Ouija Board: {slides to no}

ME: phew

Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.

My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.

For anyone that’s still confused here’s a cheat sheet for this week.

Sun
Idk
Wtf
Idk
Idk
Wtf
Sat

Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?

Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.

Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.

Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.

This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.

[asteroid hurling towards earth]

ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule

I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.

customer: your lightest roast please

barista: that middle part you’re wearing makes you look like a founding father

me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?

Twitter: absolu-

Twitter algorithm: no.

This is the way the world ends.

Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.

felt cute might bury dad later idk

McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”

Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it

If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally

I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.

Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.