me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
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if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
8: I wish we celebrated Christmas so we could ice skate.
Me: Jews can ice skate too dude.
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
Inside you there are two wolves
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
How can you tell baby kangaroos apart when they’re all named Joey?
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
I started cooking dinner, and my 7yo paused in her playing, gave me a hard side eye, and opened the window in anticipation of smoke. That burn is worse than anything I could do to the food, y’all.
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.