Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots

Him: You don’t have Russian roots

Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*

[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]

grandpa said he didn’t want a fuss

[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”

It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”

we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology

I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors

Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being

Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom

*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*

lost dog

Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.

[12 minutes later]

Me: I have eaten my best friend.

I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.

I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches

Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.

Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.

Everyone is getting idioter.

If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.

My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands

“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.

“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”

My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.

coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus

My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.

Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.

Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.

Husband: You should do the Calm app.

Me: You should do the STFU app.

[comedy club]

GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?

TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it

If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.

Someone asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.

30 minutes was not the right answer.

What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield