Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.

Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.

me: i love sleepovers

doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital

me: then why do I have this nightgown

doctor: that’s a hospital gown

me: truth or dare

doctor:

me:

doctor: dare

“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”

“No sun.”

pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed

Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence

Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.

Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams

I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.

It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said

Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?

John Smith: …

I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.

murderer: I’m going to bury you alive

me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me

Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.

Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.

A rib broke out of the trash bag last night and stabbed me in the shin as I was taking out the trash. I know my vegetarian followers will approve. 🙂

Me: Absolutely broke.

Advertisers: She’s ready. Target her with the nicest shoes ever.

My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.

Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.

People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face

127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake

If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”

Be kind. You never know who has been asked to make four different kinds of potato dishes for each member of their family

it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore

#polloftheday

[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”

If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx

The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.

[Calling doctor’s office]

Lady: When is your child’s birthday?

Me: *panic* click

You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV