Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:

Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’

Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’

I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.

Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work

Him: I-

Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER

If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?

You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!

Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half

Wife: Can we eat outside?

Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.

I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.

Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.

“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is

When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again

If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again

Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles

You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.

“Go ahead caller”

Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…

Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.

I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.

I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.

I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.

Want to feel old?
This is what Kevin McCallister looks like now.

I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.

I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.

“I need an answer to a question, but I’m not looking for the same old information from all the books and articles. I want the real truth.”
“I feel like your first mistake may have been coming to the building with all the books and articles.”

Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?

Her: I’d love that!

Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while

ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.

Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?

Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.

[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*

Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?

Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?

Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again

Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.

If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.