Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.

We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.

concern

Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.

Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”

Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.

Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you

My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes

So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation

Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.

If I was lying down and someone came up and gave me tons of kisses and smooshed my face, I’d love it. I don’t know what my cats problem is.

Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.

As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”

Get Daft Punk to make a comeback for the finale then they fly up the Eiffel Tower and one of them takes their helmet off and it’s Celine Dion and the other one takes their helmet off and it’s also Celine Dion

still the best tweet of the year by far

The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.

H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep

Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…

My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.

Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.

It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.

Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!

In the grass..

So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!

[all the children]

Grass??

Yessssss.

I call my toilet “Jim”…

It sounds much better when I announce “I’m going to the Jim” every morning.

Feeling invisible and unnoticed?

Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.

Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim

me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake

spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry

GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.

ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?

New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.

amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday

Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460

You: Would you like a keto burger?

My Anaconda: No.